SuperstitionGuy, you're in! I have a few other ideas:
*We have to work in Clem the Arizona alligator. I know he's been captured, but anyone who's dumb enough to watch our movie won't know that. The trick, however, is that Clem has to be a 25-foot-long radioactive mutant (due to uranium contamination) that is addicted to human flesh. There's a reason so few people live in northwestern Arizona....
*The ghost of John Wesley Powell will inform us how to get out alive. Think Obi-Wan Kenobi in 'Star Wars.' However, there will be one member of the doomed team who disregards his sage advice, and suffers a fate worse than death at the hands of....
*The Killer Bobcat of Cottonwood. Of course this bobcat will be as big as a sabertooth tiger, and also addicted to human flesh.
*Do not forget the crazed, inbred mutants from Colorado City. The Prophet will instruct these mutants to ensure that nobody leaves his territory alive!
*We have to find a way for Joe to kill the mutants, the Mogollon Monster, Clem, and the monster bobcat with his tevas.
I've seen sandals that have bottle-openers on the bottom, so maybe we could fashion a pair of tevas into having concealed weapons. Maybe the left Teva has a throwing knife in it, and the right one has propels throwing stars with just the right movement.
*We also need some good-looking females so people who are foolish enough to watch such a trashy movie (i.e. men between the ages of 15 and 70) actually have a reason to watch it.
"Oak-town is the city of dope...couldn't be saved by John the Pope"
Fran & Kimo please keep watching over us with your aloha spirit so that we may remain safe. A Hui Hou Kakou