AI and the future of hiking

[chumley]

The HAZ forum has been a source of useful information for hikers and occasionally coercive discussions on topics of disagreement for over 20 years. As technology advances, it’s usefulness may be waning. AIs have been trained to answer these questions better than us dumb sentients could ever imagine.

To test this I asked ChatGPT to describe some of the most popular trails in Arizona. The future is clearly bright!

Camelback Mountain (Echo Canyon Trail)
The most “Instagram-famous” trail in Phoenix, Camelback is like that party you have to go to, but you regret as soon as you get there. It’s steep, rocky, and overcrowded with people who think they’re training for Everest. In reality, it’s a boot camp designed to make you question your life choices. And if the hike doesn’t kill you, the sun probably will.

Piestewa Peak (Summit Trail)
A trail that promises “great views” but instead delivers great frustration as you claw your way up one steep incline after another. It’s a constant stream of people who act like they’re about to summit K2, but in reality, they’re just out of breath in the Arizona heat, taking selfies at every plateau.

South Mountain (Hidden Valley Trail)
Hidden Valley—where your self-esteem gets lost among the cacti. The trail is flat and scenic, but the real treasure here is the “hidden” part of the valley—hidden from the breeze, hidden from shade, and hidden from any kind of sanity. You’ll see more lizards than people, but hey, they’re probably smarter than you for staying low to the ground.

Bear Canyon to Seven Falls
Ooh, Seven Falls. You mean the spot where half of Tucson’s Instagram influencers go to pretend they’re in nature while secretly making their way through the endless “easy but still challenging” switchbacks? It’s a 10-mile hike, but don’t worry—half of it is spent dodging people on their way down, all while you try not to sprain an ankle on the rocks that are clearly more interested in hurting you than guiding you forward.

Tumamoc Hill
Ah, Tumamoc, the hill that challenges your fitness… and your dignity. You can’t help but feel like you’re in a reality show where everyone’s racing to the top.

Finger Rock Trail
For when you’re feeling super ambitious but secretly hoping you’re not the one who has to turn around first. The fact that the “rock” at the end is a slightly larger-than-average boulder doesn’t stop hikers from pretending they’ve conquered Everest. At least the panoramic views halfway up will trick you into thinking you’ve really earned it. Too bad your knees are already in the “no thanks” zone by the time you realize the trail never ends.

Havasu Falls
Ah, Havasu Falls, where “Instagram fame” meets reality. Sure, the turquoise waters are beautiful, but have you ever wondered if the falls are really worth the weeks of planning and the constant reminders that you’ve been blessed enough to get a permit? Oh, and don’t forget the 10 miles of stairmaster to reach the falls, followed by more miles of dodging tourists snapping selfies. But hey, nothing says “nature” like sharing a waterfall with 200 of your closest new friends, right?

Antelope Canyon
Who knew that the most Instagrammed slot canyon in the world would feel more like an amusement park ride than an outdoor experience? It’s beautiful, sure, but it’s more packed than a Costco on a Saturday. If you’re into paying top dollar just to shuffle through tight spaces like cattle while a tour guide tells you what to photograph, this one’s for you. Bonus points if you like waiting in line for a 30-second photo op.

The Wave (Coyote Buttes North)
The Wave. The holy grail of Arizona hikes. Except it’s more like a lottery where your chances of actually going are about the same as winning the Powerball. Oh, and when you finally get there, you’ll realize that it’s basically a glorified desert walk with a couple of nice views. Sure, it’s otherworldly, but you’ll be wondering if it was worth trekking across a barren landscape for hours just for the “Instagram flex” when there are 30 other people around you all doing the same thing.

South Kaibab Trail (Grand Canyon)
The South Kaibab Trail—otherwise known as “the 7-mile descent into hell.” People love bragging about their descent into the Grand Canyon, but forget to mention the existential crisis they’ll face trying to get back up. It’s steep, it’s unforgiving, and when you finally reach the bottom, you’ll realize that you still have to climb all the way back out like a dehydrated, sunburned hamster on a wheel. Pro tip: bring way more water than you think you need… and a therapy session for your legs afterward.

Humphreys Peak
Humphreys Peak, the highest peak in Arizona. Great for those who want to pretend they’re in the Alps without actually leaving the state. But let’s be real: You’re hiking on a trail that could easily double as an obstacle course. And the altitude? Well, you’ll either be gasping for air or summoning the spirit of every oxygen tank in existence. But once you hit the summit, you’ll realize it’s not just a “summit” – it’s a place where your soul briefly leaves your body.

At the end of the day, Arizona trails are a mix of nature and human endurance, where you get to test not only your physical limits but also your ability to handle the heat, crowds, and rocks that won’t let you forget you’re in the desert. Happy hiking!

[Alston_Neal]

@chumley
Ai my patoot. That has Chum's trail revues written all over it. Pretty well written though.

[LosDosSloFolks]

@chumley
Did you request the snarkiness? :-)

[RedRoxx44]

I want it to say "Covid is over; stay home, go to the bars, parties etc. Stay away from the dangerous outdoors."

[Grimey]

@Alston_Neal
Chumley was AI before AI was cool.

[Pivo]

@Grimey
Indeed. Chumley put the Artificial in Intelligence.